So over the years I have found that I am exceptionally awful at letting things go. Be it as insignificant as a comment that I took the wrong way, or as life-changing as someone passing – I just don’t let go. I’m sure someone, somewhere could psychoanalyze this for me; and I’m sure it means that in a way I am constantly battling an issue with control, self-esteem, abandonment or another label…but I’m not actually sure that the reason matters as much as the actuality of it all.
I get frustrated with myself because some people are so “water under the bridge,” about everything. They flick comments off their shoulders as nonchalantly as if they were a pesky fly. When something tragic happens they have this amazing resiliency and find immediate ways to cope instead of wallow. I like to think I’m like this, but when I tell myself the truth I know better.
Sometimes I find that I struggle in this same way with God. I attach kite strings to my prayers, never offering them up fully because I have some inane need to feel like I’ve got a handle on it all! So just in case GOD can’t handle things, I’ll be able pull them back down and add them to my “to do” list. It is quite ridiculous. Seeing it in print here before me confirms that, and I imagine myself swinging about in the wind holding on to situations I have no control over, no matter what powerful list of productivity I place them on.
I think ultimately, when it all comes down to it, I’m a bit of a perfectionist, a problem-solver who likes to wrap life in neat and tidy packages. I organize and speculate – I keep comments and conversations, friendships and family in beautifully, color-coded files in my mind. And when any of these items, big or small has an issue, a smudge or a tear, I think that if I try hard enough, work long enough or think smart enough I can fix it. But I can’t.
The truth is, sometimes letting go is the answer. It is the deep breath, grown up way of accepting the fact that we are not (and never have been, though I refuse to tell myself this) been in control. I think it is a matter of faith really, and my not always having enough of it. The English poet William Blake once said, “I myself do nothing. The Holy Spirit accomplishes all through me.” What a statement. What a relief. When I think about the truth that all good comes from God, and anything I do is of Him anyway, it makes this letting go a whole lot easier. You can’t not fulfill your purpose if you move over and make enough room for God. It just isn’t possible.
So here’s to cutting kite strings, and letting go of the things that we are holding back from fixing.