7.1.14 A Little Less Than Fabulous

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According to Coco Chanel, “A woman should be two things: classy and fabulous.”  But she never talked about how absolutely time-consuming and laborious this expectation could be, because most women, if they’re anything like me, don’t wake up classy and fabulous. They wake up exhausted. They wake up with pillow wrinkles tattooed on their skin, smudges of leftover make up under their eyes and hair that hasn’t yet been made to conform to the will of a brush, hairdryer, and flat iron.

I was comforted once by reading that Cindy Crawford once said, “Even I don’t look like Cindy Crawford when I wake up.” I wanted to chat about this topic today to honor women for all we do to ourselves just to continue to look presentable!

I’ll never forget that early on in our dating years, my husband admitted that there was nothing less attractive in his mind than a woman with  facial hair. While I giggled and agreed, I know that the second he turned around my hand went to my upper lip and jawline just to be sure. From that time on, I started waxing my face just in case. If you’ve never had it done, let me paint you a little picture.  Getting waxed is something like having someone slather hot honey all over your face, put strips of bandages over the top of the honey, and then rip them off as fast as they can. Talk about the Band-Aid effect! Ouch! After that, you get to do the walk of shame, whereby you leave the waxing room into the general area of the salon and everyone gets to see your now raw, red mustache-would-have-been. There’s absolutely no denying what just happened, especially since every woman already knows. You’d think the humiliation and pain would be over there, but then for the rest of the day, no matter how many times you wash your face, you have little sticky bits of wax residue that continue to stay put and random flyaway hairs from your head adhere to your face with no hope of being released. All I’ve got to say is, he better appreciate my hairlessness!

Sometimes, on a serious lapse-of-judgment day, my husband will make the mistake of asking why it takes me so long to shower and get ready when he too has to shave. Let me remind you that I have to shave about sixty percent of my body where you have to shave less than six. He once naïvely asked me, “Do you shave every day? Couldn’t you just let it go for a couple of days?”

In my mind I was thinking, “Sure… Why don’t I just not shave for a couple of days, then you can sell me as the story of the long-lost Sasquatch to the newspapers and we can pay off our debt. But that wouldn’t have been a very ladylike answer, so instead, I gave a tight-lipped smile and just said – “No.”

In terms of things to do in the bathroom, there’s no comparison, so don’t try. It will always take me longer because I have more to do, don’t question it, insert, “Yes dear, by the way, you look beautiful,” and our day
will go just fine.

In terms of style, I once read somewhere that women in the Victorian times wore corsets that were so tight that they would literally squish their intestines. While I think we are done with this practice of masochism, men always wonder why women don’t eat too much on the first date, let me shed some light on the subject. It isn’t that we wouldn’t like to eat, it’s that we know that the clothes that we’ve chosen for “said date” are formfitting to the extreme leaving us no room for an extra bite. Just last night I was out on a date with my husband and while my skirt was incredibly classy and fabulous, (Coco, I did you proud) it was anything but comfortable. Still, it warranted about six complements, thus filling me enough to be able to abstain from much dinner.

One place I will admit to being less-than-fabulous at is night-wear. When I go to sleep, I want to be comfortable, and that does not include any of the classy or fabulous nightgowns I have. I’m something more of a boxers and T-shirt kind of gal.  I have one pair of oversized PJ pants that I know my husband absolutely hates, mostly because they are so large that he cannot find my legs.  I love them! Sometimes comfort wins out over style, like when it’s too dark to see me anyway!

When it comes to bras, they’re torture. Most women, whether they admit it or not, can’t wait to get the thing off at the end of the day. And in terms of underwear, any girl who tells you a thong is comfortable is lying. When your dentist tells you to floss daily, I don’t think that’s what they had in mind.

Now really, I’m not complaining. I love being a woman, but I do agree with the unknown quote that says, “It’s hard to be a woman. You need to think like a man, act like a lady, look like a young girl and work like a horse.” Well…giddyup!  Today is a brand-new day; here’s to being fabulous-ish!

Literarily yours,

Elle

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