7.8.14 Comic Contradictions

I’d like to take a second to introduce you to all the morons in my life … the oxymorons – the crazy string of paradoxes that just don’t make sense to me at all. It might seem random or even slightly ridiculous … but it has become apparent to me that there are some examples of daily conundrums that remain a mystery to me.

Mini Vans
There is nothing mini about a van.  Seriously, it is slightly hilarious when you think about it, because commercially, these beasts are sold on the foundation of all the cargo space they contain.  This week I’ve been driving my son to day camp and it’s one “mini” van after another, crammed in parking spaces that are way too small to be next to one another with a slue of kids, bags and caffine-craving parents bustling out of the fuel-efficient monsters.

Righteous Road Rage
I am a Christian.  It is not a secret; it is a source of great pride to me, and though not a big fan of bumper stickers personally, I do smile at the little Jesus fish or church tags.  This smile, however, is quickly replaced by an, “are you serious right now,” look that glazes over my face when one of, said religious vehicles, decides to whip out a road-rage attitude and cut me off or zoom past someone beside me.  Doesn’t really speak well to the sticker if you know what I mean.

Crazy Before the Crash
Barbara Park once said, “I find the term ‘perfect child’ to be an oxymoron.” This is true, because even the most perfect child with the best of intentions becomes a complete spaz when they’re over tired.  What is ironic is that this sleep-deprived little angel that should be sweet, with heavy hugs and drowsy smiles instead becomes a total waking nightmare.  Tantrums and tears, incoherent excuses and arguments take over the precious moments of sleep the entire family begins to lose.

Fighting Unfair
In the famous children’s book Because of Winn Dixie, Kate DiCamillo writes, “You can only love what you got when you got it.” Such simple truth and yet, so easy to dismiss and misdirect when you’re frustrated.  I find that most of the arguments my husband and I have, and have always had, center around missing one another, and all the time we don’t have together.  Instead of using the time wisely and cherishing the moments, we sometimes waste them with petty, insignificant bicker-fests formed over nothing more than the absence of time we’re about to have. Riddle me this.  What a loss, and yet, I know it will most-likely happen again because just admitting, “I miss you!” would be way too easy.

(Un) Healthy Health-Nuts
My final oxymoronic-rant is based on the unhealthy habits of healthy people.  Now, I consider myself among this population, but I do have to give myself some credit that at least I don’t partake in the following:
Diet Drinks – have you never heard of aspartame people? Neurology is going to matter to your future … don’t go there!
Smoking – the billboard at the gas station near us lists the price of a carton above the flashing warning “smoking causes cancer.”  The companies HAVE to admit it, but apparently they can’t make you care.
Reduced Fat – while I applaud the effort, any bit of a nutrition course will teach you that less is more … this doesn’t necessarily mean that eating the less-caloric version of a food with fifteen added chemical ingredients to enhance flavor is beneficial to your body. Eat informed.


So there you have it.  A tidbit of my random observations in this world of incongruity we call “normal.” According to Henry Ward Beecher, “Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they are going to catch you in next.” I know I’m a part of the oxymoronic-lifestyle we all live, but sometimes I think calling ourselves (or others!) out on our paradoxes is worth a look and a laugh. Got any to share?


Literarily yours,

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