So I’m not a big believer in astrology. I know my sign of course is Virgo, but I couldn’t tell you what that means or if I’m anything like the completely ambiguous definitions that rope everyone in. Arthur Clarke once said, “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” Ironic and hilarious, but really, at any given time I couldn’t tell you the position of the stars or the moon or what that has to really do with anything at all. I don’t really believe in being lucky, or unlucky, although some people swear by it I have never really seen much evidence to support their theories. All that aside, I will admit that there are some days that are cosmically destined to keep you at home. These are the days where you should never get out of bed, but if you have to, you should prepare yourself well with combat boots and perhaps a really cute helmet, (if such a thing even exists).
More to the point, days like this aren’t just bad, they’re dangerous. They’re the sort of days where you don’t feel safe driving on the road because you’re sure that the one in a billion chance meteor is going to fall right on top of your car. The funny thing is, the day didn’t start this way for me. I think I actually caught it from the contagious symptoms of my friend. Let me rewind just a smidge.
This morning at 10:30 my daughter had a birthday party to go to. Now I will be completely 100% honest with you, I am not usually on time. I am on time for work, and that is the only thing I am truly on time for. (There … I said it. The truth is out so now my dear family and friends, as I know my timing faults, there is no more need to point my lateness out to me!) So back to the story – I ended up parking right before the mother of the birthday girl. I saw my dear friend and her three girls tumble out of the car with bags and birthday goodies in tow, so I was delighted that I finally had the opportunity to be helpful. Sauntering over, she quickly told me the story of how her oldest daughter had dropped a bottle of sparkling grape juice all over their kitchen floor. You can imagine the scene, glass shattered. birthday party favors sticky, and a baby crying who needed to be changed from a recent pooplosion! Seeing the stress on her face, I instantly tried to do what I could to ease the burden of the morning. When we walked into the party venue, (a really cute salon where all the girls would get their hair and nails done ) the stylists didn’t seem as prepared for a party as you should be when nine little girls were due to arrive in the next five minutes.
Thinking that I could perhaps salvage the shattered pieces of my friend’s day, I told her that I would run out and grab us some coffee! Nothing says “cure” like caffeine. And that’s when it started to happen, the symptoms that I had caught this bit of cosmic discord where the world seems out to get you. It started with a cart nudge, where I was gently reminded that I was taking up the entire aisle. But then the little things kept building, the glances from other shoppers at my son who was too engrossed in his excitement over the next shipment of figurines to note or care about my continual calling of his name. May I just note, people without children – while I appreciate your genuine concern for my child’s apparent hearing problem, I am a very responsible mother who has had the pediatrician check his ears. He’s fine, he’s just mommy deaf! And my child is taking up less room than your gigantic attitude, so please keep the eye rolls to yourself and move your cart along.
But then I think the best worst part of shopping, was the checkout lady. I was buying a wedding shower gift for a shower I was going to later that afternoon, and asked the check-out lady if she’d mind taking off the price tag. The woman looked at me in a way that any passerby would have mistook as offense. As if I could inconvenience her with anything more ridiculous than a common question like, “Can you remove the price tag?” She then dramatically started to scratch at the bottom of the sticky white tag that wasn’t coming up easily. After a few huffs and puffs, she blew my resolve down and I said, “Never mind, I’ll do it at home.” To which she eagerly started wrapping up the package without a second thought as to her lack of customer service. I’ll say one thing … she definitely had nerve, I just wish she hadn’t gotten on my last one!
An hour later, I was dropping off my kids at my home as the babysitter was ringing my doorbell. Sweating like it was the middle of July, I dashed this way and that, gathering the gift together before running upstairs to put on my new dress. This wedding shower was Audry Hepburn themed, and I’d convinced my husband to let me buy a less-than-great-deal of a dress that I adored! To my continuing cosmic-dismay, the “should’ve stayed in bed” day downers continued! I zipped my new dress only to have the bottom of the zipper split! Thinking it was a fluke (more like praying it was) I tried to unzip it, rezip, unzip and rezip! I didn’t have time to take it back and didn’t have an alternative outfit! Somehow, I realized that it was actually a miniscule white thread that was blocking the zipper, but was still paranoid that it would come apart, so I had to root around through the dirty laundry for my only black sweater!
In another half hour, I was pulling into the restaurant’s parking lot only eighteen minutes late! That wasn’t the best part though, if I were a proverbial “fly on the wall,” I’d have to say that the best part would have been seeing me step out of the car and do a completely unladylike squat to pick up my abnormally heavy gift. After getting a good grip on it, the wind decided to pick up and nearly lift me out of my Barbie-high stilettos as I tripped on the curb and got honked at by a stranger. (FYI, it wasn’t a come-on, they thought I was someone they knew.) Thankfully, after God had a good laugh at me, things began to turn around. I have to believe Regina Brett when she said, “No one really has a bad life. Not even a bad day. Just bad moments.” Still, I will admit that it’s quite a challenge when those moments compile upon themselves for hours at a time! So even though I’m not into signs … here’s hoping you: find yourself on the right side of the bed, find pennies that are only head’s up, and find friends to get you laughing at all the miniature tragedies that will inevitably make the greatest stories!