In her book, Back When We Were Grownups, Anne Tyler starts with a deliciously thought-provoking line. “Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.” How’s that for making you think? Now, I don’t want you to go feeling sorry for me. I’m not that lost. I do not, in fact, believe that I am the wrong person. But I often ponder over whether I’m in the right place, at the right time, or found the right position. I’m a “What if-er,” a “How can I be sure-er,” and that load of questions can become fairly laborious sometimes. No, I don’t question “who I am” but I do wonder whether I am as evolved into the “me” I’m meant to become as I ought to be by now.
I’ve always been a thinker, but there are days that my mind is as opaque as a thick fog that doesn’t seem to want to lift. My brain is a “wide load” and I feel like I should travel with one of those little cars in front of me that has flashers and flags on it, warning those traveling through life around me that getting too close might just cause a collision. According to Rilke we are to, “Embrace the questions,” but oh how I would love to know just one or two answers for sure.
Lately, I feel like I am swimming in questions. I have vague hints, signs and ideas, but, like a lens out of focus, I can’t seem to make myself “see” anything clear enough to make sense of it beyond a vague outline. Charles Dickens, a genius of life and literature spoke to this elusion, saying, “An idea, like a ghost, must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself.” Lovely.
While I’m not one to dedicate much time to the supernatural, I do freely give a great deal of time to faith, and isn’t an “idea” similar to the whispering of God? I tend to want to hear a roar, not a hushed tone, but that’s not the nature of His personality. God is a gentleman, and sometimes he holds open a door for you, even before you decided which exit you planned on taking.
To be honest, I don’t know exactly what’s behind the door. I still don’t know the answer to “What if?” and I know I cannot be sure of anything really. And yet, I do know that my premonitions of who I’m supposed to be are getting stronger. I may need to proceed with caution flags and flashers, but it’s kind of a good feeling to know I’m undergoing a bit of a remodel; I think we all are, and that might not be a bad thing. So, become your best, whoever that is. Listen to the stirrings of ideas (even if they won’t speak up or hold still). Let God hold the door for you, but take your time, and remember – always drive slowly in a construction zone.