7.26.15 Speaking of Lists

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So I’m a list-maker.  I make lists for groceries, for things I need to accomplish, for parties I want to have, for home improvements I plan on never accomplishing … you name it – I list it.  I think that lists are healthy.  They put order into chaos, even if they are completely unnecessary, as most of my lists are.  I fell in love with lists when I was in my Honors Creative Writing class in high school, and we were asked to write “list poetry.”  It was completely freeing and I’ve found it to be a bit of an outlet.  So I’m sorry to say, (but not really) that I have compiled a top-three-list of lists for things that I (and quite possibly I alone) have discovered about just about everything.  I think I’m somewhat like Sandra Bullock when she said, “I want everything orderly, and I need lists.  My mind goes a mile a minute.  I’m difficult on every single level.”  While I don’t think I’m difficult on EVERY level, I do think these lists are hard to argue with, but I would welcome any challenge to hear what your top-threes are!

*Three Best Foods Ever:

Oreo Dirt Cake

Chicken Cordon Bleu (unless you’re a vegetarian of course)

Peanut Butter (on the spoon, why mess it up with anything)

*Three Worst Things About Being Over Twenty-Five:

People Call You “Ma’am” (or sir, I suppose)

You Depend on Coffee Like the Life-Blood That it Becomes

When You Pull an All-Nighter … It Shows!

*Three Worst Words in the English Language:

Blouse

Slacks

Moist

*Three Worst Class Subjects:

Chemistry (called so to disguise itself from what it really is … another math class)

Physics (just … blech)

Honors Geometry (one word – proofs)

*Three Things You Should Never Run Out of That We are ALWAYS Out of:

Contact Solution

Pet Food

Gas

*Three Things That Will ALWAYS Be Embarrassing When They Happen to You and Hilarious When They Happen to Someone Else:

Falling

Farting

Forgetting Someone’s Name

*Three Worst Rights-of-Passage as a Teenager:

Getting Acne at an Inopportune Time

Having Someone Walk in on You at an Inopportune Time

Passing a Note in Class That Your Teacher Decides to Read Aloud at an Inopportune Time

*Three Best Children’s Books of All Time:

Peter Pan, by: J.M. Barrie

Where the Wild Things Are, by: Maurice Sendak (remember this is the book, not the creepy movie)

Sideways Stories From Wayside School, by: Louis Sachar

*Three Most Annoying Driving Habits:

Cutting Me Off to go Slow in Front of Me

Cutting Me Off to Exit Two Seconds Later

Cutting Me Off to Change Your Mind and Move Back Into the Other Lane

*Three Best Daily Discoveries:

Waking Up Early to Realize You Have Two More Hours to Sleep

Finding Money in a Pocket

Someone Else Did the Dishes

*Top Three Most Awkward Questions Kids Will Ask You:

Where Do Babies Come From

Where Do Babies Come Out

Yeah, I Think the Top Two Pretty Much Cover Things

*Three Most Annoying Things About Smart People Who Suck as People:

When They Think They Know Everything, and Do

When They Think That Their Knowing Everything Means You Know Nothing

When They Talk Slow as They Explain Something to You (as if you only evolved one step from a cave man)

*Three Worst Things About Having Food Allergies:

When Snobby Restaurant People Roll Their Eyes at You Like You’re on Some New Fad-Diet

When Someone “Understands” Your Allergy But Doesn’t and You Spend Eternity in the Bathroom

When People Say, “It’s all in your head.”

*Three Best Things About Having Food Allergies:

Great Excuse for Students Who Bring Mysterious “Goodies”

Great Excuse for NOT Eating Treats People Bring Into Work

Great Excuse for Getting to Choose the Restaurant You Really WANT to Visit

*Three Worst Things to be Asked/Told:

You Don’t Look So Well, Are You Sick?

You Look Tired

Wow! You’ve Changed

*Three Amazing Things About Elderly People:

 They Tell the Truth (brutally, yes, but honestly)

They Eat What They Want and Complain About Portion Sizes Regardless of the Size

Thy Openly Discuss Horrifically Disgusting Bathroom Issues With No Shame at All

*Three Amazing Things About Children:

They Tell the Truth (but only when it’s convenient)

They Haven’t Forgotten How to Wonder at Life and the Living of It

They Understand the Power of Pretend

*Three Best Phrases to Get Someone to Do What You Want Them to Do (I only know because they’ve been used effectively on me … yes, I’m a bit of a sucker):

We Need YOU to Do ___________ Because You’re the Best At It

I Wish I Were ss Talented as You to do _____________ So Well

Well, Since You Did _____________ So Well Last Time, We Volunteered You Again

*Three Worst Fashion Faux Pas in History:

Hammer-Pants (not flattering on anyone, not even Hammer)

Neon (used appropriately, neon should serve as a warning, not cool when people have to squint around you)

Real-Fur-Anything (animal rights activists … anyone?)

*Three Worst Hairstyles in History:

Mullets (NEVER looked good on ANYONE, EVER!!!!!)

Rat Tails (you missed a spot)

Triangle Head (that awful place between short and long that ends up resting horribly on your shoulders in the form of a three-sided-figure)

*Three Things You WILL Say as a Parent Even When You Swore You Wouldn’t:

Because I Said So

So Help Me God, I Will Turn This Car Around

We Get There When We Get There

*Three Grossest Foods Other People Love:

Chili

Sloppy Joe’s (hello … they’re called sloppy for a reason)

Garbage Pizza (garbage! as in TRASH!)

*Three Things That are Just Annoyingly Stupid but No One Seems to Realize it but Me:

The Fact That Some Oxymoronic Idiot was Allowed to Name Mini-Vans MINI!

The Fact That the Nickname for William is “Bill”  (how in the heck?)

The Fact That There are Just as Many Bakeries in My Town for DOGS as Humans

In truth … I could go on forever.  I have an abundance of useless opinions on things that don’t really matter that I could list about.  However, here are the top three reasons I’m ending this post: my opinions probably don’t match yours, I’m not sure how many readers actually got this far in my list, and finally, I have a list of things I need to accomplish before my “To Do’s” are through.

List happily!

Elle

 

 

3 thoughts on “7.26.15 Speaking of Lists

  1. Love the lists ALL the way to the end! Wish there were more.. Thinking back to one of your first lists here… I’m well over 25, and I get asked in “polite” ways if I’m a grandmother now…I didn’t THINK I looked older than 45…like my husband recently said.

  2. Elle, lists ARE great! Especially “To Do” lists. There is just something about checking off a task once it is accomplished. Your “lists” are delightfully entertaining. I could have read on and on!

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