I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually. Spent. I don’t like feeling this way. Not one tiny smidgen, however, I’ve rarely found anyone who enjoys being laid waste by their endless tasks of endless days. I am not sad. I am not angry. I am not listless or uninspired … I’m simply too tired to feed the imagination that says, “Come on … it’s my turn to play.” What did I expect with a new job, a new school year? Certainly I didn’t anticipate I’d just waltz in and know what I was doing, and when, and how. Well … I’d hoped, but I’m coming to learn that hope and expectation do not always agree.
Things are getting done … slowly. As my mind flits and flutters from one task to the next, beating like a hummingbird’s wings. My productivity and mindset do not match at all. I’d like to be more than I am sometimes. Have you ever thought that? I’d like to be much more put-together than I often feel I am. To have plans, and timetables, and actually follow the slotted minutes I designated for each thing would be lovely indeed. But that is not life. Not my life at least. My life is much more like a bright, engaging piece of abstract art – beautiful, messy, and somewhat unfinished in its pursuit.
I am okay with this I suppose, because even when I am as I am … exhausted to the point past sleeping … I still have traces of whimsy floating like dust particles around me. And I see them through filtered light … my own personal confetti. I sit in my office … my blue room, and everything feels better. I run my hand along the old worn box that holds my most-precious letters given to me over a lifetime. I put pumpkin-spiced coffee on the antique side table I inherited ages ago. I curl up into cozy in the chair I’ve had forever, and I dream a waking dream of possibility. And I imagine I’m anywhere, and everywhere at once.
My creativity comes back, and the weariness of my day wears thinner. I think if it could speak, my imagination would tell me what Antoine de Saint-Exupery once said in The Little Prince. “You – you alone will have the stars as no one else has them … In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night …You – only you – will have stars that can laugh.”
And so take the time to hear the stars my friend … because I would not be surprised, if they were laughing for you too.