Yesterday I had my will notarized. It’s official. According to paper … my death is in order. I’m not going to lie, there’s something significantly disconcerting about having things “finalized.” It seems like tempting fate in some way. But, as the character Nate Scamander says in Fantastic Beast and Where to Find Them, “Worrying means you suffer twice.” So it’s probably better not to.
As easy as it is to tell myself, it would be dishonest to say that the what if’s in my mind haven’t been kicked a little into high gear. What if my husband and I don’t get to die together like we planned (I choose to be delusional okay)? What if I died before I got to help my daughter pick out her wedding dress? What if our four pets outlive us all out of spite? What if my sister would go insane having to take care of my kids and her own? What if, when I watch my life again with God, it ends up being a total snore because the majority of my time is spent folding laundry? Yes. These are the things that run through my brain.
When I’m being a bit more rational, (which I can be from time to time) thinking about death actually makes me think a lot more about life – about my life and what I’m doing with it, about the lives of those around me, and about the way we all process our own stories. Like the hundreds of books I have in my house, there are so many perspectives … so many genres … so many tales of heroes and villains … often portrayed by the same person – us. I have to wonder about whether or not anyone maps the chapters of their lives like I do.
What chapters do they sink into, reading slowly and savoring the memories of precious things only they know? What sections to they skip past, too fearful of revisiting old demons? What parts surprise them about themselves? What parts enchant them? Disappoint them? Remind them to dream? Make them feel most alive? Do they think their stories are worth reading twice?
Regardless of where you are in the process of looking back, or looking forward. We’re all in the middle of our very own book of life. I think the most important thing to remember is what Susan Statham said, “Your life is your story. Write well. Edit often.” It might just be me and my writer’s heart, but I believe there’s no such thing as a lost cause in a story … no matter how many plot twists yours may have. Only you can rewrite the character of you … so what tale will you tell?
Never lose faith, you are the hero after all.