“If the explanations amount to something, I will tell you.” – Joanna Klink
Sometimes I feel inclined to apologize. I don’t have a specific reason … it’s just an open gap between emotions that feels heavy; a call to respond to something beyond what I am capable of finding words for. Maybe it comes from the apologies I should have made throughout my life, but wasn’t mature enough to own at the time. Maybe it is the unspoken words I cannot give to the people who are no longer there to hear them. Maybe it is the result of a look that said more than I meant it to say, or the absence of a look that needed to happen. Whether it was in words being cast as arrows or shields … I apologize nonetheless. And this poem is to anyone who has felt the same, or to whom I should have apologized to long ago.
I am scarred
with the unused ink
of un-penned words
I never wrote
of unuttered phrases
I didn’t say
And I’m sorry
that I wasn’t
brave enough to speak what you deserved to hear
I may have given voice to my thoughts
but chances are they were not filtered with love
They are nothing but empty condemnation.
There are some things time doesn’t erase,
and the absence of an apology is the epitome of unalterable
How, after all, do you undo what was never done?
So I’m sorry –
from somewhere between quiet thoughts and trembling hands …
amidst the need to be vindicated and the desire to be free …
in the space that separates accepting defeat and willing myself to try once more –
For the hurt you feel that was my fault,
For the comfort you needed,
but didn’t find in me