4.11.18 Apologetic

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“If the explanations amount to something, I will tell you.” – Joanna Klink

Sometimes I feel inclined to apologize. I don’t have a specific reason … it’s just an open gap between emotions that feels heavy; a call to respond to something beyond what I am capable of finding words for. Maybe it comes from the apologies I should have made throughout my life, but wasn’t mature enough to own at the time. Maybe it is the unspoken words I cannot give to the people who are no longer there to hear them. Maybe it is the result of a look that said more than I meant it to say, or the absence of a look that needed to happen. Whether it was in words being cast as arrows or shields … I apologize nonetheless. And this poem is to anyone who has felt the same, or to whom I should have apologized to long ago.

Apologetic

Apologetic

I am scarred

and stained

with the unused ink

of un-penned words

I never wrote

of unuttered phrases

I didn’t say

And I’m sorry

now,

and then

that I wasn’t

brave enough to speak what you deserved to hear

I may have given voice to my thoughts

but chances are they were not filtered with love

and truth,

without empathy?

Honesty,

without grace?

They are nothing but empty condemnation.

There are some things time doesn’t erase,

and the absence of an apology is the epitome of unalterable

How, after all, do you undo what was never done?

So I’m sorry –

from somewhere between quiet thoughts and trembling hands …

amidst the need to be vindicated and the desire to be free …

in the space that separates accepting defeat and willing myself to try once more –

I’m sorry.

For the hurt you feel that was my fault,

and wasn’t

For the comfort you needed,

but didn’t find in me

I remain,

here

and now

apologetic

3 thoughts on “4.11.18 Apologetic

  1. This is truly beautiful, how many times have those words never felt our breath or as you said without love or grace. How many times we should have uttered those words even to ourselves. Thank you for the beautiful words, I feel the heaviness they carry, thank you for sharing from your heart space.

  2. To apologize; to admit I am human. It takes humility to confess that I do not have it all together. To own the fact that I do not have all the answers. We all have regrets along life’s way, may we have the strength to stay on course. Pray to be used so that your purpose will be fulfilled for which you have been called. “…live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” -Ephesians 4:1

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