12.7.18 One Heartbeat at a Time

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” C.B. Kelland

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I always tell people that I don’t believe in problems … I believe in solutions … but sometimes I am confronted with a life-dealt situation that seems  impossibly solution less. This is a picture of my husband Matthew, and his hero, my father-in-law, Pete. I met Pete over seventeen years ago, as a freshman in college who was head-over-heels for his son. I remember it clearer than yesterday … funny how some memories imprint.

Matthew was going to go home for the weekend and his parents were coming to get him. At the time we were “friends,” but I had ambitious hopes for more, and Matthew’s attention toward me led me to believe he might as well. I remember Matthew asked me to stop by his dorm to say hi to his parents. They were packing up his bags into the trunk of their car when they turned to meet me with open smiles and firm handshakes. I didn’t know it at the time, but Matthew said to me once that as they drove away, his dad said, “Well, I don’t think that’s the last we’ll see of her.”

I love him for having said it. Because I’m pretty sure that there is no opinion in the world that my husband values over that of his daddy … and if I hadn’t gained approval that day, I’m not sure that I’d even be a part of Matthew’s story, let alone its leading lady.

The great thing (in my experience at least) about falling in love with someone, is that you get a whole other family, and after fourteen years of marriage, that is what Pete and Peg (my angel mother-in-law) are to me. They are family. They are not in-laws, they are not extensions of family. They are family – pure and true. We have built a life on shared experiences: vacations, holidays, parties, gifts, jokes, pictures, traditions … and now … diagnoses. Pete-the-Invincible, was diagnosed with Ataxia, a rare degenerative disease of the nervous system. As if that wasn’t challenging enough in the last ten years, he now battles Multiple System Atrophy as well.

It is my formed opinion, that there is a great lack of men of integrity in this world. I cannot watch the news for two consecutive minutes without thinking so … and yet I was blessed to not only come from a man of integrity (my own dad) or marry one, but also see my father-in-law continue to raise the bar of what it means. It is quite something to witness a man of increasing virtue when he is continually faced with having to reintroduce himself to a new version of his no-longer-working body. But, again and again, from cane, to walker, to wheelchair – Pete continues to convince Matthew and myself that he may just be some secret kind of superhero.

My husband and I are in the stage of life where days pass without our having said more than a few sentences to one another. We are busy, sometimes involuntarily so. We have jobs, and kids, and commitments, and to do lists that are ever-so-impossibly long. And some days, if I’m being honest – I take it out on Matthew. I resent not having time with him when he is the axis point of my life. It is ironically impractical to lose patience with and have no time for the person I want to be with more than anything. And in that way, in those times – I fail.

Then I look at my mother-in-law … at her ability to love in the most flawless way. Her hands are servant hands. Her mind is their shared bank of memories. Her heart is steadied by the realities of love’s legacy before her. And she carries on. Impossible as tomorrow may seem, she faces each sunrise bravely, with the gentle touch of a warrior.

And I am ashamed.

I am ashamed that I struggle in these … the best and strongest days of our lives, to love her son the way he deserves to be loved – selflessly, regardless of the amount of time we do or don’t have each day to show it. I have him. We have now. And by their example, I am confident in how to build this love story of ours … just like his parents … one heartbeat at a time.

Walk, wheel, crawl, or cry out to the one you love the most. Don’t leave anything until tomorrow.

Elle

P.S. This holiday season, please consider a donation to the further research of curing Ataxia.

https://ataxia.org

8 thoughts on “12.7.18 One Heartbeat at a Time

  1. Elle thank you so much for this beautiful writing. You have a wonderful talent. We love you more than you will ever know! Hugs & Kisses, Peg & Pete

  2. On Elle, my heart broke wide open with your deep love for your father-in-law and your husband. It reminded me of those last month’s with my dad and how much he gave to others from an open heart expecting nothing in return. There were no strangers to my dad, just people he had never met. The examples he taught us are priceless pieces of his puzzle of life.

    To the great men in our lives who shaped us to be strong, loving, caring people, who love all of our broken pieces, I am truly grateful.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My dad is always with me because he loved me in his own special way.

    • Kathee:

      You have brought me to tears. What a Wonderful privilege it is for me to get to know your dad through these few words. He sounds like someone worth remembering. It is no doubt to me that he lives on through you. And I’m sure that you were his greatest treasure, as you are now his greatest legacy.

  3. “Even in the darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.”
    -Psalm 112:4
    What an honor to know such a man.

  4. Thanks for your heartfelt blog. You have the best words.

    EXCEPT “And I am ashamed” can’t be right! Shame comes from my comparing myself to someone else, and that rarely happens objectively. Yes, your MIL has her unique love-strengths. I love my wife in my best but imperfect ways that (mostly) please her. And you (surely!) love your husband authentically, in ways not the same as mine, your MIL’s, or anyone else in the world.

    We all have different gifts. (Mine is not writing.) So even if your love-strengths are not the same as mine or your MIL’s, you have been graced to have the right kind and right intensity of love that completes your husband in every season of your lives.

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