4.27.22 Permission Requested

When you were little,

I could have sworn that I always knew what to do 

to make you feel better

(almost always)

Now

sometimes,

I feel like I can’t even guarantee that I won’t make you feel worse

And it leads me to question if I ever really had it all figured out

or, 

more

likely,

if I was fooling myself all along,

the Queen of Misplaced Confidence.

Regardless

I wanted so much for it to be true –

for us to be closer than close

always

But maybe that was wrong too . . . 

maybe freedom was the point all along.

I’m not good at it,

it would seem.

I apologize.

I’m not a fan of realizing that what you might need 

is   s  p  a  c  e 

instead of a hug

or quiet

instead of conversation.

So here it is – the dreaded truth . . . 

I 

don’t

know 

what

I’m 

doing.

But I love you the same.

More, in fact –

and I guess I’m asking your permission for that to be okay.

4.13.22 Even If

Everyone keeps telling me how big you are

how old you look

how grown up …

And I know they’re right

I do.

But sometimes it’s inconvenient for a heart to acknowledge truth

because it hurts.

I see the things you’re expected to learn

and I hear what you already know,

but then there is this moment between us …

just a moment,

where your eyes tell me you wish you didn’t have to,

and mine apologize for the world’s introductions

though apologies aren’t enough.

You know my tangled heart.

You know my too-loud mind.

You know I’d do anything to give you more

of less expectation

But precious,

that is not the way of time,

or of truth.

I cannot fix it.

I cannot change it.

Nevertheless,

I will love you through it –

Your imagination is a powerful reprieve,

so use it.

And I’ll do the same every time someone tells me how big you are,

or how old you look …

how grown up.

They’re right,

but if you need a place to be young again,

I’m ready to play pretend.

I’m here to hold your hand through it all –

even if mine is now the small one.

4.3.22 So Small

Sometimes … okay, most times, I feel SO small. Like a single drop of rainwater in the ocean. I feel minute and indistinguishable among the waters and waves of others’ influences, words, and wisdom. But then, I think about the incredible journey even one little element of water wan travel. From the emotional pilgrimage of a tear, to the migration of a vapor amidst the clouds. There is no course, way-fare, or voyage unimportant to the progression of human connection. I need to remind myself of that from time to time – or all the time, when life feels so much bigger than me.

The map above is a generated report of all of the places my blog has been read. And though it might’ve been a sideways glance, a momentary mis-click, or even a single read, it gave me pause. Just knowing my thoughts have traveled around the world, caught on an imaginary current … whisked along on an unintentional digital breeze means a great deal. While “I” may not have been there, a piece of me was. A tiny, molecular word or two have reached and been read by another spirit. And maybe, just maybe if I dare, I can imagine that that “single drop” of water my words were, was exactly what someone’s heart thirsted for.

So, yes. I still feel small. But small doesn’t mean unimportant. I hope you recognize the density of influence even a single smile of yours can and will have on the person waiting to see it. I pray you cherish the reality that YOU ARE, and the truth that someone else is better because of it.

“Put your heart into even the smallest seemingly insignificant acts possible. Then be patient enough for the universe to give back to you what you reap.” Matthew Donnelly

Go. Be brilliant. Go quench the world one drop at a time.