9.3.22 An Inch Away From Forty

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”

– Sophia Loren

So this week, I am going to turn forty … and like anyone approaching a milestone, it has caused me to reflect a great deal. Upon my rumination, I’m ashamed to admit that I am still riddled with insecurities. I think it’s easy, as we gloss over one another’s lives by an Instagram scroll or Facebook feed, to imagine that everyone’s got it all together. That our days consist of nothing but the polished, filtered photos and bright string of smiles tying one story to the next. It’s not often we get to hear the truth of what complexes lurk beneath the surface of each other’s digitized reality. So, I figured a bit of honesty was in order.

INSECURITIES:

I worry about my accomplishments, and how much farther I think they should be – whether or not my writing will reach the right audience.

I worry about my waistline, and my hairline, and my wrinkles. I am afraid I won’t be able to see past them, and then I am ashamed of myself and my vanity.

I worry I’m not smart enough.

Or relevant enough.

Or interesting enough.

I think about all the things I should make time for, but haven’t, or know I probably won’t.

I’m not great at cooking, or plants, or fixing things.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I’m “there,” like I’ve arrived … or if I’ll always be striving, and searching.

It’s a lot – enough to keep my mind spinning and reeling and honestly, I think I thought that by now, I’d be a lot closer to resolved on most of them. But then, I think about the three things I actually am secure on.

My faith.

My family.

My friends.

And just like that … the litany of my previous, ever-growing list doesn’t seem so daunting. There might be a lot that, at forty, I still don’t have figured out, but I know, imperfect and insecure as I am, there are a few things that I do.