2.4.23 Seven Small Truths: Day Four

On this, day four … I share with you something that I am not entirely sure I want to. It’s personal. It hurts. And yet, I often feel that the struggles we go through, we are allowed to endure for two reasons: to prove we are strong enough to see the other side of them, or to use our developed strength to help someone else.

This is the truth I’d rather hide from than face, and sometimes–I do. It’s the truth I don’t want my mom or sister or daughter to read or know, even though I’m sadly aware they already do. It is the truth that makes me feel cliche … vain and weak. It is the truth I sincerely dislike about myself, but can’t deny.

So, just in case it is helping someone else be strong–here goes.

DAY FOUR Truth: I love myself … I don’t want to look like anyone else, but I’m still never ever satisfied with my reflection. I cannot remember a single time when there wasn’t something I thought I could improve. I am not proud of it. I want to be fully comfortable in my own skin. I often ask myself, “What if I just unequivocally loved this body of mine?” For about two seconds, I feel lighter, peaceful even … I almost give myself permission, then my posture resumes to full-shoulders-back, my tummy tucks in, my breathing shallows, and I instantly miss the feeling I just allowed leave of. Again.

Our imperfect pasts, our less-than-they-should-have-been decisions, have a way of becoming our own personal ghosts. They echo in the distance, mist-like on the good days–impermeable and haunting on the bad. The truth is, like millions before me (and sadly, millions after), the scars of my adolescent battle with Anorexia are as much internal as external. Though my body and mind are now healed–trained to recognize and pursue what is good and healthy … there are parts of my psyche that crave the shadows, the hollows between collarbone and spine.

The ghost of who I was (or wasn’t enough to keep at bay) keeps calling. And I turn away. Intentionally. Relentlessly. Because she was wrong. I was wrong. (And sometimes still am.)

Forgive me this truth?

I’d appreciate it, really.

Because most days, I’m still trying to forgive myself.

8 thoughts on “2.4.23 Seven Small Truths: Day Four

  1. Elle – as most people who are lucky enough to know you, and as hard as it is to believe, you are just as beautiful inside as you are on the outside. You genuinely care about about each and every person in your life and you take the time to get to know everyone on a deeper level. You are able to connect with complete strangers. My words don’t do you justice for what a truly beautiful person you are and I pray you can truly believe that yourself one day. Love you lots and forever. Matthew

  2. Elle, I LOVE that you love yourself! … especially among all these truths you shared here. Thank you for being and loving the amazing, beautiful person you are. …And if you’re a woman of spirit who grew up in church or tradition that brought shame for loving yourself, it’s the hidden command from the master, that we love ourselves as we love our neighbor. Lots of love and joy that you’re you and that you share your thoughts with us. – Anne

    • Anne, thank you so much for this reply. I was raised in a loving home with an amazing family. My faith is redeeming, never shaming. God is love! I treasure you for taking care of my heart. Continue to be a wonderful light and encourager. You are a blessing. ❤️❤️❤️

  3. Elle, your story is a reminder that even beautiful and radiant people like you have shadows from which they try to hide or which they try to erase from time to time. Thank you for sharing this relatable truth.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s